Lanphrost Posted April 18, 2009 Author Share Posted April 18, 2009 I'll start by saying that eclipse needs a public 'arts' board added to it, which would include Literature and Art (that isn't eclipse-related)I'll also say that for the first time I've written and finished a story that I liked, and it is now in it's second phase (editing) what I am posting is a link to the original and constantly updating story currently a rough draft. I'd like ALL the criticism possible, things that could be improved, and a list of everything you didn't like. If you want to post something nice about it feel free but Constructive Criticism is encouraged. thank you.[http://sites.google.com/site/eternaldreamproject/](http://sites.google.com/site/eternaldreamproject/)(Note this may take 30-90 minutes to read)well… since I have no poll power we'll just have people post yes or no to the poll option (should arts section be added) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soljah Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 Ouch… wall of text, no thanks... =/ I read a few random lines and it seams like its good... :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanphrost Posted April 18, 2009 Author Share Posted April 18, 2009 @Soljah:> Ouch… wall of text, no thanks... =/ I read a few random lines and it seams like its good... :PI'm working on the 'wall of text' problem, thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drummerpete Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 Use margins, or something. =/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanphrost Posted April 18, 2009 Author Share Posted April 18, 2009 thank you but the point is the story not the page it's on, like I said this is a rough draft. I'm looking for feedback on the story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Particle Posted April 19, 2009 Share Posted April 19, 2009 @Lanphrost[AFW:> link=topic=42881.msg429600#msg429600 date=1240097107]> I'll start by saying that eclipse needs a **pubic 'arts'** board added to it, which would include Literature and Art (that isn't eclipse-related)I know it has nothing to do with this but…Ahh yes the Pubic Arts ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanphrost Posted April 19, 2009 Author Share Posted April 19, 2009 lol? *edit… finally understand that joke... I feel slow...* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XxArchAngelxX Posted April 19, 2009 Share Posted April 19, 2009 i'm around 1 3rd of the way through, so fr it seems like a well written story. but some (1-4) paragraphs are slit in the wrong places, and other small errors like that (which i have found in published books so don't worry) i will give more feedback when done.~~Edit: it would also be nice for you to wright when you are changing the time i.e 6 year earlier, it just makes it easier to keep track of the story~~lol scratch that~The Dreamer/XxArchAngelxX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XxArchAngelxX Posted April 19, 2009 Share Posted April 19, 2009 Wow lanphrost that was great.(i like the end, very nice, wont say what i like exactly in case someone else reads and doesn't want the story ruined for them)All i can say is practice your grammar (i found a few grammatical errors) and use spell check. but the errors were not to bad, like i said there are published book that have one awards that have worse mistakes.on to story feedback:the story in whole is very good. all i can say is try not repeating a word more than 4 times in a paragraph and the ending seemed a bit rushed.9/10also i do know this is a rough draft but i though it would be better to write too much criticism than not enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
munro Posted April 19, 2009 Share Posted April 19, 2009 lol "pubic arts". I think you ment public.Anyways I'll read some of it today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanphrost Posted April 19, 2009 Author Share Posted April 19, 2009 @[BS:> The Dreamer [XxArchxX] link=topic=42881.msg429807#msg429807 date=1240128093]> Wow lanphrost that was great.> (i like the end, very nice, wont say what i like exactly in case someone else reads and doesn't want the story ruined for them)> > All i can say is practice your grammar (i found a few grammatical errors) and use spell check. but the errors were not to bad, like i said there are published book that have one awards that have worse mistakes.> > on to story feedback:> the story in whole is very good. all i can say is try not repeating a word more than 4 times in a paragraph and the ending seemed a bit rushed.> > 9/10> > also i do know this is a rough draft but i though it would be better to write too much criticism than not enough.I'm very (very) glad to have some real feedback on my story. I am revising it to make the ending less rushed, as I feel storyline wise that was the worst part. I'm also working on a part two with twists you'd never see coming ;3 but that's a story for another time. By the end of this all I should have a book composed of not-so-short stories following this storyline. Think of what you read as the first of 2-5 chapters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanphrost Posted April 19, 2009 Author Share Posted April 19, 2009 @Soljah:> Ouch… wall of text, no thanks... =/ I read a few random lines and it seams like its good... :P@Desiderium:> Use margins, or something. =/There, an update for everyone who had problems with the 'wall of text' =^-^= the link has been changed from directly viewing the document to a webpage the document, which will hopefully reduce the problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mulkaar Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 @Lanphrost[AFW:> link=topic=42881.msg429600#msg429600 date=1240097107]> I'll start by saying that eclipse needs a public 'arts' board added to it, which would include Literature and Art (that isn't eclipse-related)> > I'll also say that for the first time I've written and finished a story that I liked, and it is now in it's second phase (editing) what I am posting is a link to the original and constantly updating story currently a rough draft. I'd like ALL the criticism possible, things that could be improved, and a list of everything you didn't like. If you want to post something nice about it feel free but Constructive Criticism is encouraged. thank you.> > [http://sites.google.com/site/eternaldreamproject/](http://sites.google.com/site/eternaldreamproject/)> > (Note this may take 30-90 minutes to read)> > well… since I have no poll power we'll just have people post yes or no to the poll option (should arts section be added)Don't get me wrong. But I'm sure there is a storyboard board. Under Design.And you can post any ARTS in GFX. Art comes under Graphics. Or you can post it in CHit CHat> I doubt A board needs to be created when there is a few scattered around. Lol jst look. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanphrost Posted April 22, 2009 Author Share Posted April 22, 2009 Alright, I think I got the ending right this time, can anyone check it out? (if you aren't going to read the beginning first I don't mind but you might not understand the storyline… at all X3 ) Criticize harshly. (Seriously guys, how often are you ASKED to call something shit?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorn Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 I'd just like to say that if there WAS a public arts board it would likely encourage such posts. I have a crapload of writing I'd be happy to put up, and I'm sure that there are others. This is a site based on creativity, I'd guess that a lot of people here have probably tried their hand at writing at some point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanphrost Posted April 22, 2009 Author Share Posted April 22, 2009 Thanks, I hope Marsh looks at this =^-^= Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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