Eternal Dream (Not-so-short short story and a poll)

[Lanphrost]

I'll start by saying that eclipse needs a public 'arts' board added to it, which would include Literature and Art (that isn't eclipse-related)

I'll also say that for the first time I've written and finished a story that I liked, and it is now in it's second phase (editing) what I am posting is a link to the original and constantly updating story currently a rough draft. I'd like ALL the criticism possible, things that could be improved, and a list of everything you didn't like. If you want to post something nice about it feel free but Constructive Criticism is encouraged. thank you.

[http://sites.google.com/site/eternaldreamproject/](http://sites.google.com/site/eternaldreamproject/)

(Note this may take 30-90 minutes to read)

well… since I have no poll power we'll just have people post yes or no to the poll option (should arts section be added)

[Soljah]

Ouch… wall of text, no thanks... =/ I read a few random lines and it seams like its good... :P

[Lanphrost]

@Soljah:

> Ouch… wall of text, no thanks... =/ I read a few random lines and it seams like its good... :P

I'm working on the 'wall of text' problem, thank you

[Drummerpete]

Use margins, or something. =/

[Lanphrost]

thank you but the point is the story not the page it's on, like I said this is a rough draft. I'm looking for feedback on the story.

[Particle]

@Lanphrost[AFW:

> link=topic=42881.msg429600#msg429600 date=1240097107]
> I'll start by saying that eclipse needs a **pubic 'arts'** board added to it, which would include Literature and Art (that isn't eclipse-related)

I know it has nothing to do with this but…
Ahh yes the Pubic Arts ;)

[Lanphrost]

lol? *edit… finally understand that joke... I feel slow...*

[XxArchAngelxX]

i'm around 1 3rd of the way through, so fr it seems like a well written story. but some (1-4) paragraphs are slit in the wrong places, and other small errors like that (which i have found in published books so don't worry) i will give more feedback when done.

~~Edit: it would also be nice for you to wright when you are changing the time i.e 6 year earlier, it just makes it easier to keep track of the story~~

lol scratch that

~The Dreamer/XxArchAngelxX

[XxArchAngelxX]

Wow lanphrost that was great.
(i like the end, very nice, wont say what i like exactly in case someone else reads and doesn't want the story ruined for them)

All i can say is practice your grammar (i found a few grammatical errors) and use spell check. but the errors were not to bad, like i said there are published book that have one awards that have worse mistakes.

on to story feedback:
the story in whole is very good. all i can say is try not repeating a word more than 4 times in a paragraph and the ending seemed a bit rushed.

9/10

also i do know this is a rough draft but i though it would be better to write too much criticism than not enough.

[munro]

lol "pubic arts". I think you ment public.

Anyways I'll read some of it today.

[Lanphrost]

@[BS:

> The Dreamer [XxArchxX] link=topic=42881.msg429807#msg429807 date=1240128093]
> Wow lanphrost that was great.
> (i like the end, very nice, wont say what i like exactly in case someone else reads and doesn't want the story ruined for them)
>
> All i can say is practice your grammar (i found a few grammatical errors) and use spell check. but the errors were not to bad, like i said there are published book that have one awards that have worse mistakes.
>
> on to story feedback:
> the story in whole is very good. all i can say is try not repeating a word more than 4 times in a paragraph and the ending seemed a bit rushed.
>
> 9/10
>
> also i do know this is a rough draft but i though it would be better to write too much criticism than not enough.

I'm very (very) glad to have some real feedback on my story. I am revising it to make the ending less rushed, as I feel storyline wise that was the worst part. I'm also working on a part two with twists you'd never see coming ;3 but that's a story for another time. By the end of this all I should have a book composed of not-so-short stories following this storyline. Think of what you read as the first of 2-5 chapters.

[Lanphrost]

@Soljah:

> Ouch… wall of text, no thanks... =/ I read a few random lines and it seams like its good... :P

@Desiderium:

> Use margins, or something. =/

There, an update for everyone who had problems with the 'wall of text' =^-^= the link has been changed from directly viewing the document to a webpage the document, which will hopefully reduce the problem.

[Mulkaar]

@Lanphrost[AFW:

> link=topic=42881.msg429600#msg429600 date=1240097107]
> I'll start by saying that eclipse needs a public 'arts' board added to it, which would include Literature and Art (that isn't eclipse-related)
>
> I'll also say that for the first time I've written and finished a story that I liked, and it is now in it's second phase (editing) what I am posting is a link to the original and constantly updating story currently a rough draft. I'd like ALL the criticism possible, things that could be improved, and a list of everything you didn't like. If you want to post something nice about it feel free but Constructive Criticism is encouraged. thank you.
>
> [http://sites.google.com/site/eternaldreamproject/](http://sites.google.com/site/eternaldreamproject/)
>
> (Note this may take 30-90 minutes to read)
>
> well… since I have no poll power we'll just have people post yes or no to the poll option (should arts section be added)

Don't get me wrong. But I'm sure there is a storyboard board. Under Design.

And you can post any ARTS in GFX. Art comes under Graphics. Or you can post it in CHit CHat> I doubt A board needs to be created when there is a few scattered around. Lol jst look.

[Lanphrost]

Alright, I think I got the ending right this time, can anyone check it out? (if you aren't going to read the beginning first I don't mind but you might not understand the storyline… at all X3 ) Criticize harshly. (Seriously guys, how often are you ASKED to call something shit?)

[Thorn]

I'd just like to say that if there WAS a public arts board it would likely encourage such posts. I have a crapload of writing I'd be happy to put up, and I'm sure that there are others. This is a site based on creativity, I'd guess that a lot of people here have probably tried their hand at writing at some point.

[Lanphrost]

Thanks, I hope Marsh looks at this =^-^=