Displaced Posted September 21, 2009 Author Share Posted September 21, 2009 > A Selfish One-Dollar-Note> > On a poker table meets Billy the One-Dollar-Note some other One-Dollar-Notes.> He is just 2 days old and looks new and very pretty in contrast to the others.> Billy stares at them, begins to laugh and swears to them, that he gets famous in only a week, because he is something special.> The others just twist their eyes and do not listen at all.> After a while Billy gets a new owner and gets away from the poker table.> Full of joy he sleeps patiently for the new day and his chance to get famous.> But the next day was somehow like a road trip to hell.> Billy was used for paying a taxi and now he is about to fly out of the car right through the open window. It happens as expected! Now he is dirty and angry until someone put him into his pocket.> This happens the whole week. He was slammed through mud, washed in a wash machine, hanged on a rope to dry, put into a slip of a dirty and fat woman and finally got to a man, which plays poker again. Now, one week later, he is on the same table, with the same One-Dollar-Notes but not laughing anymore, because he is not new, not very pretty and nothing special anymore.> > And the moral of this short story> you can’t get famous, so don’t worry…This is my story.. it's a homework and i would be thankful if someone could correct it for me (want to have a good mark and less mistakes) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marsh Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 no offence meant, but alot of it i find hard to understand. The first sentence alone makes very little sense to me.You need to proofread it yourself a few times, seems like plurals are out of place along with your commas. Id attempt to help but my English isnt that great either. What grade is this for? there is a lot of mistakes… Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drummerpete Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Not a good piece of writing at all.What grade/level are you sitting? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Khachaturian Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Maybe he's in ESL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Displaced Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 13 th grade..Well the story is maybe a bit confusing, because you don't know the background.We've to do a Story about a One-Dollar-Note which quickly changes hand.Well the first sentence is about Billy, the One-Dollar-Note, which meets some other One-Dollar-Notes on a Pokertable…I see that there are some crazy disorders ..(Strange, that M$ Word don't say anything.. so this is not rly helpful)[BTW: i'm from germany] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Khachaturian Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 And english isn't your first language? I mean, it doesn't seem like it is, which would explain alot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
munro Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Did you shorten it or something? Cause it seems short, even for a short story.It seems to send a bad message, I see what you're getting at, but you could have delivered it better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhee Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 My opinion? Start again."dirty and fat woman" <– Bit rude even for a story.Try being a bit more polite about it, Some people might find that insulting.Also, Your 'moral of the story' is a load of bs.You have no idea how easy it actually is to become some-what famous these days.Any idiot with an internet connection and some kind of lame talent can do it.Not to mention, as previously stated, Horrible message to send.That's like saying to your kids, "No son, you'll never be a scientist so don't bother trying. I hear McDonalds are hiring!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Displaced Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 hm okaythe problem is the limit of max. 250 words..(Which is very very short even for a short story).About the moral.. it's meant to be like this, just to show that's a old-school thing..(And jep, english is not my first language…) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drummerpete Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 @Displaced:> hm okay> the problem is the limit of max. 250 words..> (Which is very very short even for a short story).> > About the moral.. it's meant to be like this, just to show that's a old-school thing..> > (And jep, english is not my first language…)Ah, sorry for being harsh, I assumed English was your first language.Comparing it to me trying to write in German, it's good. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jna Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 I don't understand it well but you will eventually learn. Everything can be learned.After all, English isn't my first language. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Khachaturian Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 But you lived in Miami for I don't remember how long. Cheater :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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