A Very Eclipse Christmas! (Eclipse fan none-fiction)

[Medleyy]

Okay, a small excerpt from the beginning of the next article I'm writing on Robin and his magical adventures.

>! As Robin sat in the cupboard under the stairs of 12 Mirage Drive he thought about escape. It would soon be his cousin Admiral Refuge’s birthday and a trip to the Zoo was looming. Naturally Robin wouldn’t be invited, so he could run to freedom whilst his evil Aunt Pubichair was loading up the Vauxhall with all her birthday crap.
>! Without warning, Robin’s ears picked up a clink at the door. It must be the post. He scrambled underneath the cupboard and grabbed it. For once, one with his name written on it. It was made out of a strange substance, which looked as though it was woven from strands of Lion hair. It must have come from a strange place. He ripped it open and crawled back under the staircase.
>! The letter came from someone called Albus Rumbleroar, Headmaster of Pigfarts Intergalactic School of Wizardering, instructing him to join their school of magic and send them some prunes because the House Elves are on strike.
>! Needless to say, Robin was shocked. This whole concept seemed so strange, that someone would want Robin Potter to send them prunes. Robin was often shunned by his peers, mostly due to the abnormal amount of time he spent in cupboards.
>! It was Robin’s programming that forced him to spend time in cupboards. You see, Robin is an Android from the mystical and scientifical region of Yorkshire. Little is known about this region, other than it’s obvious superiority to pretty much everything.
>! As Robin looked forlornly from his cupboard he saw another letter from a place called Hogwarts, a place only slightly less ludicrous than Pigfarts. Realising this could change his destiny and lead him to greatness, allowing Robin to be who he wants to be, he threw it aside and started to read the newspaper headlines (“Amy Winehouse, found Today slightly more dead than Yesterday.”).
>! It was when his cousin, Admiral Refuge, bounced down the stairs (He’s a balloon.) and announced his birthday celebrations to everyone. He then asked Robin why he is in a cupboard after what happened last time. Robin replied that being under a cupboard is very beneficial to health and is a safe spot from Death Eaters.
>! On the way to the Zoo, Aunt Pubichair stopped to buy Ice Cream. Naturally Robin couldn’t accept this offer because, being an android, he can’t eat, thus rendering this entire paragraph useless and a great way to waffle on about crap to make it look like I’m actually writing.
>! Admiral Refuge couldn’t eat Ice Cream either, seeing as he’s a balloon and a balloon eating an Ice Cream would be silly.  As the Ice-Creamless car pulled up to the Zoo, Robin had a sense of foreboding. It was probably the withdrawal symptoms from his beloved cupboards.
>! The Zoo was much like any other Zoo, it was filthy and full of animals. Robin took an instant dislike to it due to the lack of cupboards. However, he found a nice cupboard with a snake in it. Naturally he had to remove the snake first, so he asked it politely. It slithered out with a pleasing shout of “KTHNXBAI”. Such a polite snake.
>! Now Robin, being a cupboard connoisseur had to try before he climbed into someone else’s cupboard. So he attempted to push Admiral Refuge in, with no success and a large pop. This attracted the attention of Renzous Hagrid, who is going to double-play a minor character here so I don’t run out of famous Eclipsers before I even begin.
>! “Didn’tsh they tell shoo how shour parentsh are in Ashkaban for drinking butter beer underage?! Life shentence?!”
>! Robin’s programming simply could not compute this information and lack of pronunciation, resorting to the last option of simply saying “No.”
>! “Shatsh terrible, how dare you shully the name of Yukiyo and Gwen Potter?!”
Evil Aunt Pubichair was simply stunned at Hagrid’s complete failure at speaking English and decided that he must have an omelette for a brain. She simply walked into the car after gathering the burst remnants of her only son and drove away, clearly in no fit state to drive and most probably considering suicide.
>! Harry decided to ask Renzous Hagrid for a lift to Hogwarts since he couldn’t live at Aunt Pubichair’s house after killing her son and driving her to suicide. Hagrid informed him that he can simply catch a train instead, departing from platform 9 and ¾. Robin decided that this was complete bull and ignored Hagrid, when Hagrid pulled him onto his magical flying pony and flew at a wall. It was from there that Robin could see a beautiful red train glinting in the sunlight, conveniently ready for take off.
>! Robin clambered inside a cabin after deciding they look like cupboards. Seconds later, the door swung open and in came a terrible beast. It was bloated and befreckled  and exhaled a foul stench. It had a mop of orange hair, which Robin decided must mean that it is poisonous. It introduced itself as Stephan Weasley and started discussing Hogwarts. Needless to say Robin was disgusted, but intrigued when Stephan informed him that Dumbledore officially holds the title of ‘Man who spends more time in vaginas than out of them.’
>! Ron then went on to discuss cupboards and Robin instantly warmed to him. They sat on the four hour train journey discussing cupboards until Hogwarts appeared, when the conversations turned to RPG development. Robin was quick to mention that Eclipse Evolution was the best engine by a country mile and that Eclipse Origins was buggy and unusable. They both however agreed on the awesomeness of the Chaos engine.
>! Phallus Dumbledore was stood at the side of the door as they entered Hogwarts. You could see his wand poking through his clothing and strained against his robe. He had eyes only for Professor Snape, who looked like a turd with a bob haircut, but was clearly a goal for Phallus Dumbledore.
>! The first years lined up and took turns to try on the sorting twat. Exceptionally stupid people entered Gryffindouche, average people joining Ravencrap, slimy gits siding with Slytherminge and people with no talent or personality joined HaYouPuff.

Opinions needed! Sign up to be a character or nominate someone else ;)

[Robin]

@Aeri:

> Hogwarts and Pigfarts Intergalactic School of Wizardering.

Was the least funny part of the musical. At least steal the good parts.

[Medleyy]

How dare you?! Pigfarts is only the best Wizardering School in the Galaxy. You can't just GO to Pigfarts. It's ON MARS.

[Admiral Refuge]

tl;dr

EDIT: What's a "none-fiction," exactly?

[Medleyy]

Something that, in true Aeri style, is perfectly true and spelled incorrectly.

[The New World]

That was terrible. Not only was the story atrocious, your lack of elementary grammar butchered the entire thing.

[Medleyy]

The supposed 'lack of elementary grammar' is lost on me. Care to expand..?