My Storyline

[magic8ball]

This is my humble storyline. Critisize it but dont flame. I feel like I am missing something.

On the island city of Prokas a Alchemist was trying to turn lead into gold. He believed that by mixing certain chemicals and heating them up to a very high temperature that he would succeed in doing what no other person on earth could do even though hundreds had waisted there entire lives trying. What he rely succeeded in making was far from gold. The chemicals that he mixed along with the high intensity of heat allowed for a one in a million thing to happen. He placed the lead into the furnace and then went to sleep believing that it would take time. That was his second mistake. The first was that he had left the furnace unlatched. Not a bad thing if he was just burning wood no one expects your wood to come jump out of your furnace and be the worst thing to ever happen to man kind.
A Departed is created from the one thing it cant stand, Fire. Just as evil spawns from good and opposites attract. But there is one thing that is more essential to make a Departed, a Human. Most Departeds die within the hour they are formed. But by committing murder they finish the process. Since committing cold blooded murder is one of the worst things any thing can do and is so symbolic that the force of a living being getting wiped off the earth allows these creatures to live on.
Sadly for the old alchemist he woke up and saw this creature laying almost passed out on the floor. It was greatly weakened by the fire. This is another reason why most Departed don't survive. The intense heat from the fire destroys most of them. The Departed created by the alchemist murdered him in cold blood and if that wasn't bad enough not one but 4 Departeds were created that night. Only minutes after the first one had murdered the old alchemist 3 more came out of the furnace. Departed are born with a vast array of knowledge. It is instinct for them to kill humans but to kill at least one as soon as they can is more then instinct its in there genes.
So the three that came out were on a mission to murder. That is how the entire Macryan family was wiped out. The Departed had viciously strangled the mother the father and there new born baby. Then they set a nearby barn on fire to burn it down. Knowing that it would attract people and be a feeding frenzy for the Departeds that would soon be made. This is how the rest of the city was devoured murdered and destroyed. Leaving only ruins behind and one building standing.
The old alchemists house which is now the spawning ground of the departed. This is how the Lost Island of the Departed came to be. It is why humans fear everything that comes from the western sea. They know the Departed will come for them soon. They just don't know when.

[vrage]

Nice intro, crap ending

[magic8ball]

specify the intor and the ending as in paragraph

[Billylemmon]

I think its okay. I quite like the idea of it, but you really need to work on your grammar.
I died a little inside whilst reading it.

[magic8ball]

lol i dont worry about grammer even if it makes me seem illiterate

[Billylemmon]

You should otherwise people might not be able to see your point.
Or follow the story.

[magic8ball]

did you understand it. cause unless you actualy cant read the words (which i spell checked) then it should be understandable to peopel with a open mind.

[Bobbus]

It's not about the comprehension, its about professionalism. You don't want your game to be full of spelling errors, or no one would play it. Or at least I wouldn't.

[magic8ball]

if you had read my last post i spell checked it. My only problem i usly have with grammer is commas because personaly i think they are a wasite of time i never look at them when i read.

[Bobbus]

So that means that the several other people (or few people, with that attitude) who are going to be playing your game skip over comma's too?  No.

[magic8ball]

wait thsi is a serious question. When you read you read liek this. The cat comma dog comma and horse flew over the barn. ? your saying commas affect how you read.

[Bobbus]

Not necessarily,  but it's proper grammar and makes games look more professional.

I'd be more lax on this if you didn't know proper grammar, but from what you've said is that you just simply don't want to put commas in because they are a "waste of  time".

Bad attitude for gaming, you can't think of how YOU feel, but how the players would feel.

[magic8ball]

1\. my game is not based on grammer.
2\. i dont know how to put commas in becuase i never cared (and i took ap english)
3.If commas are what makes things professional then the world needs a wake up call.

[Bobbus]

1\. No one's game is based off of grammar, but it makes it look more professional,  why don't you understand that?

2.  I don't know how you got into, or through, AP English without doing something as simple as putting commas in your sentence.

3.  No needed response. 

I think i'm through here, you wont even try to listen to me.

[magic8ball]

I understand it but since this is not actualy in my game it doesent affect it. I may have it as a story lien but i would have my sister who is a english major check it before i published it. Which is why i dont need to worry abotu grammer. But jsut to make you "Comma People" happy i will fix it.

[DrNova]

Ignore him, he's a prick to new people.

[magic8ball]

are you talking about hario drnova?

[Particle]

Hmm… This sounds almost word for word with another story that I've read... Did you base this off anything?  Im going to look through my books and find it because Im sure I've read this almost word for word somewhere else

[magic8ball]

Sorry…i dident know. and i see what he means now.

[Dark Crusade]

@magic8ball:

> On the island city of Prokas a Alchemist was trying to turn lead into gold.

For one, you've introduced it a bit fast, you should have taken the time to perhaps explore the setting a bit more.

Also however, this alchemist character will make most people who done science in highschool feel stupid, because they know that its ridiculous what the alchemist is trying to do.

@magic8ball:

> He believed that by mixing certain chemicals and heating them up to a very high temperature that he would succeed in doing what no other person on earth could do even though hundreds had waisted there entire lives trying. What he rely succeeded in making was far from gold. The chemicals that he mixed along with the high intensity of heat allowed for a one in a million thing to happen. He placed the lead into the furnace and then went to sleep believing that it would take time. That was his second mistake. The first was that he had left the furnace unlatched. Not a bad thing if he was just burning wood no one expects your wood to come jump out of your furnace and be the worst thing to ever happen to man kind.

Once again, you continue to give across the message that you have no idea what your talking about, and its a bad idea to base a story around chemistry/science when you have little idea in it. The story is unbelievable. I mean heating lead and mixing chemicals to make gold? Trust me I done chemistry for my higher certificate. IF you heat lead and mix it with other chemicals, you will either create an alloy (if mixed with another metal), or perhaps a combustion reaction and form Lead Oxide, or depending on you mix it with, a compound.

@magic8ball:

> A Departed is created from the one thing it cant stand, Fire. Just as evil spawns from good and opposites attract. But there is one thing that is more essential to make a Departed, a Human. Most Departeds die within the hour they are formed. But by committing murder they finish the process. Since committing cold blooded murder is one of the worst things any thing can do and is so symbolic that the force of a living being getting wiped off the earth allows these creatures to live on.

This took me a little while to figure out. I assume departed is some sort of creature. Departed meaning 'dead', so hence I assume its undead. So it kills the alchemist to retain its lively existance? Not only is this idea confusing, its also uninteresting. Be more creative, but not bizaiire.

@magic8ball:

> Sadly for the old alchemist he woke up and saw this creature laying almost passed out on the floor. It was greatly weakened by the fire. This is another reason why most Departed don't survive. The intense heat from the fire destroys most of them.

So this 'departed' creature is created from the lead chemical reaction, yet its weakness is fire, and hence upon creation it dies? At the moment I have absolutely no idea whats going…

@magic8ball:

> The Departed created by the alchemist murdered him in cold blood and if that wasn't bad enough not one but 4 Departeds were created that night. Only minutes after the first one had murdered the old alchemist 3 more came out of the furnace. Departed are born with a vast array of knowledge. It is instinct for them to kill humans but to kill at least one as soon as they can is more then instinct its in there genes.

So not only does this chemical reaction created life, it also creates intelligence? And Instict? ANd Genetics? What the hell?!?

@magic8ball:

> So the three that came out were on a mission to murder. That is how the entire Macryan family was wiped out.

Hold a minute, Macryan family? Where did they come from? Is the alchemist a Macryan? And hence did they get slayn by the 'departed'?

@magic8ball:

> The Departed had viciously strangled the mother the father and there new born baby. Then they set a nearby barn on fire to burn it down.

Lovely. Not only will scientists hate you but new mothers too.

@magic8ball:

> Then they set a nearby barn on fire to burn it down. Knowing that it would attract people and be a feeding frenzy for the Departeds that would soon be made. This is how the rest of the city was devoured murdered and destroyed. Leaving only ruins behind and one building standing.

So the departed are undead chemical cannibals, which have obtained genetics, as well as the instict to go kill everyone, and have which been created from a chemical reaction involving lead. No offense… but you need to rethink your entire story, and get a lot more practice writing before you write a story for a game.

@magic8ball:

> The old alchemists house which is now the spawning ground of the departed. This is how the Lost Island of the Departed came to be. It is why humans fear everything that comes from the western sea. They know the Departed will come for them soon. They just don't know when.

Lost Island of The Departed? what is this place? Is it the once mentioned- @magic8ball:

> island city of Prokas

And you continue to introduce random areas which we have no idea about, such as 'The western Sea'. In order to understand what your talking about, you need to be a better story teller, work your ideas out better, and give context on anything we might not know about.

1/10 for the story. Best of luck, I hope my critism helps you, as I did spend a while writing this post. xD

[magic8ball]

1\. this is not based on science so there goes half your post.
2\. i wasent writing a 10 page report on this island. If you need one for a storyline then go read a book.
3.i know you are just angry about the mmo poll. So i think ill ignore your whole post.

[Bobbus]

Dude, be appreciative that he's even trying to improve your (imo) terrible story.  Grow up, learn to take criticism. I'm sick of you and your retarded posts.

[Dark Crusade]

@magic8ball:

> 1\. this is not based on science so there goes half your post.
> 2\. i wasent writing a 10 page report on this island. If you need one for a storyline then go read a book.
> 3.i know you are just angry about the mmo poll. So i think ill ignore your whole post.

1\. Whether or not its based on science, you've still managed to blindly include it, whether or not it was purpose. I having some knowledge in the area picked it up, and hence it made your story unbelievable.

2\. I didn't ask for a 10 page report on the island, you just mentioned its name and nothing else, you could have given a sentence of context on it.

3\. You honestly think I'm angry? Does that look like an angry post? If I was angry would I spend 20 minutes giving you constructive criticism? Its fucking pathetic, I flame you newbs because your such useless fuckwits, and the moderators winge about how abusive I am. So I stop flaming for half a second, and try to help you guys, but your still a fuckhead about it, and hence why should I help you?
    Being angry about a mmorpg poll? In which I told you to be appreciative? Why would I be angry about that. I'm trying to help you here. You would have to be the first member on Eclipse I have actually felt pretty pissed off with.

So fuck you.

[japez]

@magic8ball:

> 1\. this is not based on science so there goes half your post.

Seeing as half your story is written about it, i find that hard to believe.

@magic8ball:

> 2\. i wasent writing a 10 page report on this island. If you need one for a storyline then go read a book.

Or you could just read a storyline of a decent mmo.

@magic8ball:

> 3.i know you are just angry about the mmo poll. So i think ill ignore your whole post.

He's not angry that about the poll, he just wants the 3 minutes of his life back that he wasted reading your story.

[magic8ball]

1\. Well i guess i will go read a "decent storyline" but from what i have seen eclipse has very few good thigns on here because idiots liek Kreator and all you go around searching the forums for new ideas and give them ""Help"" or ""Constructive Critisism"". Maby you should just not post on peoples topics such as mine.