Need critic on my story

[Shalaren]

I don't know if this is the right forum to put it in S:

I'm not the best at writing stories, its like I have the story of my game in my head, but I can't put it down into words properly S:, but I tried my best.

I hoped there are some talented writers here who could help me improve my background story and add my interesting details P:

here's the story

> Magic, the paranormal methods to manipulate natural forces, it has many forms of understanding, the Individual must have the right knowledge to understand and to control it. Although not everyone is to use it, as it has to come within blood.
>
> Magic has made living much easier, Traveling was faster, and things could get done quicker and more efficiently. Unfortunately not everyone used it for a good purpose, magic was also dangerous as many learned how to use it in battle, and with years the situation became worse and eventually the Originals, who came from the purest linage of enchanters, began to notice the chaos and decided to put magic under control and force the extinction to the use of magic, and so they formed the Magic Force, Those who caught using magic will be called upon death. Them thinking that forbidding magic will end it, were soon to realize it has only made things worse, as major wars began to hit the earth between those who fight for the freedom of magic and those who fight for peace, so much magic being used at once at battle, almost making reality lose a touch with itself.
>
> The Original Lucius, a very well educated enchanter and a very well known leader in the Magic Force, managed to create a spell in which will limit the use of magic around the world, It was like a sudden silence after a raging thunder storm, most became majorly weak, and some even lost their magic completely, they called it “The Enchanter's Seal”. The rest of the Originals, didn't like feeling weak and demanded Lucius to break the Seal, they claimed they can bring the world to calm by force, truth is they liked the power they had over it, they liked being looked at as gods. Lucius begged them to give it a chance, it will bring peace he argued, but they didn't listen.
>
> The Originals called upon all their followers to leave the Magic force and Lucius behind, and join their new union, which they called "The True Order". they knew that Lucius being the one who cast the Seal, his death will mean the breaking of it. The Originals knew ways around magic no one else knew, and were able to cast a spell of destruction, It was like the thunder storm was back except this time, literally. lightning hit the earth like meteors destroying everything at its landing, Crushing earth and killing millions, all this just to kill one, while Lucius was protected by the remaining members of the Magic Force. He knew that it was his life causing all this and had to do something, as he too knew a few ways around magic, he realized to stop the destruction he must seal the Originals away, including himself.
>
> The Enchanter's Seal held great magic, it even held its own creature, alive. the destruction spell was broken and the world has finally come to peace. so they thought. The true order remained, bringing chaos in ways it could, were left with one and only purpose-
>
> Breaking the seal.

just a typical MMO with a story behind it that I will go more into with every update,

random info just incase its necessary.

there are 8 Originals, Good Guys = Magic Force, Bad Guys = True Order.

classes in the game are Adventurer, Enchanter, and Hunter.

main locations in the game are :

Athreway (starting place) - A castle town where the Magic Force resides.

Adalyn - city of the spirits, the environment around dies without magic, but survives thanks to the fearies

Elcany - City of Alchemy

but all I need is to keep improving the story and having it written more professionally

thanks 

[Dr.House]

Well, i must admit i like it, but those names are kinda ughh….magic force, true order...uhmm sounds kinda lame

[Shalaren]

oh lol I didnt think Ill ever get a reply here.

with Help from Placido the story has changed (still same basis) but the names are different,

Magic force = The Shroud

Originals = Magnus Soci

True Order however I can't think of anything xD

here take a look

>! Magic. One of the greatest mysteries of this world, from simple magic capable of levitating objects off the ground to conjuring powerful lightning storms. It takes on many forms and yet it is bound by none. To use such mysterious and sometimes terrifying power one must have the right knowledge,understanding and mentallity to control it. However not everyone is born to use it as it is a birthright only granted to a few.
>! The eight Magnus Soci (Pronounced So-kai) the very first weilders of magic filled with tremendous powers, were the to first discover the mysterious forces of magic, How they had done so remains a mystery. Each of the Magnus Soci had seen it fit to pass on their knowledge to students who in turn taught to their own students and slowly magic had become more widespread in the world of Shalaren. Magic had made living much easier, creating vast improvements in the fields of Agriculture, Travel and most importantly in Warfare. People were quick to notice that magic was also useful not only in improving lives but in taking them as well. The Order of the Maestre founded by the eight Magnus Soci the first wielders of magic had seen over the years the caos that magic had caused and thus they created the Shroud,An elite force of sorcerers with only one task.
>! To regulate the use of magic from the shadows. The Shroud did their work well. Too well for that matter as many magical users had been slain by their religious zeal to fufill their duty to the Maestre. Soon it had become an unspoken rule that those who use magic, regardless of their position or occupation will be swiftly silenced permenently. The Maestre thinking that the Shroud's actions had solved their problem had breathed a sigh of relief. The world was finally at peace.
>! How very wrong they were.
>! Soon leaders from all over the world had begun to rise up in open revolt to fight for their freedom to use magic. The Eight Magnus Soci sought to calm these leaders through peaceful negotiations, However they could not be swayed by mere words and thus they had to be silenced by force. With a heavy heart they gave the order and the Shroud sprung into action silently stiffling the voices of the rebellion. At least that was the initial plan.
>! The major powers of the rebellion had managed to convince some of the more prominent and powerful Sorcerers to join their cause and a vicious and terrible battle ensued between the sides that rallied to the Maestre's flag and those who opposed them. The rampant use of magic by both forces had caused reality to shift and dissolve causing most individuals to descend into madness.
>! Lucius, A Magnus Soci and a very well educated Sorcerer and also a well known leader in the Shroud, had managed to create a spell to limit the use of magic throughout the world. The raging flames of war had been cooled. Everyone's magical abillity had begun to weaken slowly over the course of days, some even losing their abillity to use magic completely. The Enchanter's Seal as they called it brought peace throughout the land. The leaders of the uprising had accepted their loss of access to magic seeing as even the Eight Magnus Soci were stripped of their own magical abillity. And thus peace took it's hold on the land.
>! At least for awhile…
>! The other Seven Magnus Soci resented their loss of magical abillity and demanded Lucious to break the Seal. They claimed that they were wrong and that humanity needed magic as the people had grown too accostomed in using it. However their true goal was power, Power over the weak and to be looked upon as Gods among men. Lucius begged them to give the seal a chance, It will bring peace he argued but his pleas fell on deaf ears.
>! The Magni rallied upon those still loyal to them and formed a new union which they called the "True Order". Knowing that Lucious' death would destroy the seal as he was the one that had created it. Although the Magni who opposed Lucious only held a shadow of the power they once weilded they still managed to consolodate all their powers into one last powerful spell of destruction. Lightning struck the earth violently, the earth split asunder and the winds howled in rage.
>! All this just to kill one. Lucius however had managed to gather those loyal to him within the Shroud and as destruction raged around them he was protected by the powerful magic of his allies. Lucious knew that the seal was the cause of this madness and that only he could control it. Upon realizing this it was up to him to seal himself and the rest of the Magni forever. The Seal held great magic poweful enough to entomb the Magni in a powerful spell sealing them away for all eternity and scattering them through out the landscape to be forgotten throughout time.
>! However the True Order remained,creating chaos driven by only one purpose, To break Enchanter's Seal. However few had risen up against the tyrnical Order intending to thwart their plans of breaking the seal.
>! These brave men and women are the Heroes of Shalaren and it is up to them to stop the Order and trully bring peace to this world.
>! suggestions and critic?

[tslusny]

Not bad at all. But that story is too concentrated around magic imo. And please change that "True order", its too generic. Funnilly enought, i won many literature and story writing competitions in my country, but it was in mine language, and i can't write anything good in proper english.

TL:DR - Good story, but still needs some improvements

[Guest]

> Not bad at all. But that story is too concentrated around magic imo. And please change that "True order", its too generic. Funnilly enought, i won many literature and story writing competitions in my country, but it was in mine language, and i can't write anything good in proper english.
>
> TL:DR - Good story, but still needs some improvements

You might want to spell check your sentences before you criticise someone else's literature. I really doubt you've won any competitions to do with literature - you can't even capitalise nouns.

[Shalaren]

> You might want to spell check your sentences before you criticise someone else's literature. I really doubt you've won any competitions to do with literature - you can't even capitalise nouns.

he gave me criticism just like I asked him to. he said he won it in his language, not in English. not all languages have capital letters.

[highonpaint]

> You might want to spell check your sentences before you criticise someone else's literature. I really doubt you've won any competitions to do with literature - you can't even capitalise nouns.

Did you even read what he said? He gave Shal some pointers and compliments then went on to state that English is not his first language…