Jokes

[Dark-Mercy]

Ok this is very simple all you have to do is post a joke and then vote on someone else's for e.g.

7/10
A man walks into a bar
Ouch

[vrage]

A Doc tells his patient " I have some good news and some bad news"
The patient asks " Whats the good news?"
Doc says " you have 24 hours to live"
Patient:  "OMG! What's the bad news then?"
Doc: " I've been trying to tell you this by telephone since yesterday afternoon"

[Rogue]

6/10

an english man irish man and a french man are walking along a beach
they trip over a bottle and out pops a genie
"i shall grant you each one wish and when you get home it shall be done" says the genie

"i want all the Guinness in the world" says the irish man and when he gets home he has a tap with unlimited Guinness!

"i want a grand wall.. put up around france that nothing can get in or out"
when he gets home a hug wall appears around france that nothing can enter or leave

"hmm.." said the englishman
"i dont know what i want" he continued " tell me more about this wall"
"its a grand wall by all natures nothing can enter or leave" replied the genie
"i have made my decision" the english man complacent with his decision
"fill the inside of the wall with water"

^_^

[Guest]

8/10

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Colonel Sanders:OMG I MISSED ONE!?!?!11

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Albert Einstein:Whether the chicken crossed the road, or the road crossed the chicken, depends on your point of reference.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Confucius:There is no road.

[vrage]

7/10

3 men in a deserted island find a bottle. They find a genie inside. The genie tells them that he will grant them 3 wishes, ie , 1 wish each.
The first man wishes that he gets back home to his family. His wish is granted by the genie.
The second man wishes he were in Hawai, on a holiday. His wish too is Granted.
The third man thinks about it for a while, then says, I wish the other two were here to help me think of a wish ….

[Guest]

8/10 (Does he do it to soil their wishes, or just because he's stupid?)

[j00 were just rickrolled!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ssh71hePR8Q)

[munro]

@HailBlazR:

> 8/10 (Does he do it to soil their wishes, or just because he's stupid?)
>
> [urk=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ssh71hePR8Q]j00 were just rickrolled!

fail

[Guest]

Okay there

[Rogue]

edit : 9/10 for vrages >_<

one tragic day two nuns and a mother were killed in a car accident
when they reached the gates of heaven saint peter stopped them and said

"you have devoted your life to God, to pass the final test you need to answer one question each"

Saint peter turned to the first nun and asked

"what was the forbidden fruit"
the nun replied "an apple"
"correct you may enter" replied saint peter he then turned to the second nun

"what is the animal Joseph and Mary used to ride to the consensus"
"a donkey" the nun replied
"correct you may enter" he then turned to the mother

"as you are a mother of the faith your question will be slightly tougher"
"i am ready" replied the mother
"what was the first thing eve said to Adam after she was created"
"my" replied the mother "that _is_ a hard one"
"correct you may enter" replied Saint peter

[Guest]

Heard that one already. 7/10 though.

@Blanco:

> Hello! I am French and I have found my happiness on your software.

[vrage]

9.2/10  (lol)

I like these doc jokes:

Patient: Doc, I have 30 seconds to live!!!
Doc:(Busy) I'll be with you in a minute…

[Guest]

LOL 9.5/10

> I can't GUI even if I tried. Hlep need.

[Rogue]

5/10

it was announced today that the french millitry has suffered crippling losses and fire fighters struggle to contain blazes spreading throughout the white flag factories

[vrage]

lol
6/10

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

[Guest]

6/10

[Rogue]

0/10

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

[Drummerpete]

PeteM's face.

3/10

[Guest]

LMAO @ YOUR JOKE
10/10

[munro]

0/10

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’”

The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable?’”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow.”

[Drummerpete]

A guy pays a hitman to kill his wife for cheating on him.
He also says to kill the neighbour.
Each shot costs $500
The hitman had to shoot the wife in the mouth for lying, and the neighbour in the cock for sleeping with her.

The husband and the hitman are on a hill, 1/2 mile away, and the Hitman takes ten minutes to aim. Husband asks "what's taking so long?"
Hitman: "I'm trying to save you $500"

[munro]

LMAO 9.7/10

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, “Sir, what is that on your shoulder?”

The old farmer said, “That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes.”

“I’m sorry, Sir,” said the ticket girl, “We can’t allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken.”

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

“Marge,” whispered Mildred.

“What?” said Marge.

“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”

“What makes you think so?” asked Marge.

“He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred.

“Well, don’t worry about it,” said Marge, “At our age it isn’t anything we haven’t seen before.”

“Yes,” said Mildred, “But this one’s eating my popcorn!”

[shrig94]

LOL!
there was a noob and he found his happiness on this software…and he was French!

[Rathalos888]

3/10

One day a man named Jack found a big beanstalk in his yard.
He decided to climb it.

He climbed it up to the lowest cloud, where he saw a very ugly girl.
"Take me or succeed" she said.
"I can do better than this!" Jack thought.

He climbed to the middle cloud, where he found an average looking woman.
"Take me or succeed" she said.
Jack thought to himself "Well, she's alright, but I wonder what's NEXT!"

He climbed near the top and saw a beautiful girl standing there.
"Take me or succeed" she said.
"What could POSSIBLY be better than this?" Jack thought.
He decided to find out.

He climbed to the very top, where he saw a fat, ugly man sitting there eating cheetos.
"Hello, my name is Ceed" the man said.

You may have to think about it =P.

[Drummerpete]

Rofl. 9/10.

"I read the only book in the house.

The phone book.
There were alot of characters.. and in the end, a bunch of Polish people turn up."

No offence to any polish people, this was taken from Mock the Week.

[Reguba]

7/10 (I'm of polish decent) lol but it dun bother me I hear them jokes a lot!

A bus load of ugly people is driving along (They are absolutely fugly) then, they drive off a cliff, everyone dies. They all get placed in line to enter the gates of heaven and god is standing their and the first person in line walks up and god says, "Since you have had such a hard life, I will give you anything you wish." So the ugly person wishes to be beautiful, the wish is granted and they become beautiful. The next person in line wishes the same, then the next and this trend continues all down the line but about half way through god notices the last guy in line laughing… The line continues until there are only three people left and the guy in the back of the line is now rolling on the ground uncontrollably with laughter. Finally god gets to the last person in line and is wondering what is so funny, but proceeds to ask, "What do you wish?" The ugly person says, "Aww make em all ugly again!"