I wrote a short story!

[TheRexion]

You should read it! The ending was rushed, though. I just needed to finish it, and I'm no good at short stories that don't just… come to me.

http://www.mibba.com/Stories/Read/495994/At-First-Lyght/1/

[TheRexion]

No one appreciates my work. ):

[Agoraphobic]

I was only able to read up to chapter 3, but here's my thoughts on it. I like the progress of the story from what I read, only have one suggestion for improvement.

Mainly when you're describing something, the more detail, the better. You're describing it, but it feels almost forced and not cohesive, as if you're trying to cram it all on one line. The old is what you wrote and the new one is what i wrote with it a bit spruced up. With that being said, I like it so far. This of course is only my suggestion and I'm very long winded when I write something.

**Old**

>! Standing ten feet in front of them was a massive creature. It had the body of a wolf, except it was far more muscled and, at least, eight feet tall. It had a single fang cascading from its mouth, covered in drool, two horns bulging out of its head, two daggerlike tails waving menacingly where the one was supposed to be, and murderous red eyes. The most notable thing on it was the Hokori ( Pride ) symbol marked on its forehead.
>! A Hellion had appeared before them.
>! “That is what’s known as a Tyrant: they’re big and powerful and commanding. And, although they appear to have excessive physical strength, their main skill forces its will upon its victims to force them to do its bidding. I wonder if… no, mustn’t worry about that now.”
>! The beast was nearly upon them, its shaggy mane billowing freely—almost like fire.

**New**

>! Towering over them was a ten foot hulking creature that could almost be called a wolf, however It's abnormal muscled body and twisted features gives the beast away as something much more sinister. Foul diseased saliva slowly drips from it's single fang, protruding menacing from it's crimson maw. Two ivory gnarled horns rest atop it's head, threatening to impale any that come to close. In addition two dagger like tails wave menacingly, daring them to make a move. As Leo's eyes rest on the face of the unholy beast, he notices right away that above it's crimson eyes on it's forehead the Hokori (Pride) symbol has been branded into it's flesh.
>! A Hellion has appeared before them.
>! As if reciting a debriefing she once received from memory, she quickly says "The Hellion is a massive behemoth of a creature, able to command weaker creatures and above all else possesses abnormal power. Don't be fooled as the Hellion is not a big powerful dumb creature, it has the power to enslave a person's mind that's weak willed." As she finishes up her dialogue, it appears as if an important thought enters her mind "I wonder if… no, I need to focus." She quickly dismisses it.

[TheRexion]

I'm only just getting into descriptions, so I'm not nearly as good as my favorite writer (Rick Riordan). But thanks for the criticism, I will take it into heart and work on improving.

[hisherwin]

You wrote a short story? WE WROTE A LONG STORY http://www.touchofdeathforums.com/community/index.php?/topic/130520-eclipse-story/

[TheRexion]

> You wrote a short story? WE WROTE A LONG STORY [http://www.touchofde…-eclipse-story/](http://www.touchofdeathforums.com/community/index.php?/topic/130520-eclipse-story/)

I don't particularly care.

[JohnPony]

I have to say, I would of never expected something like this to come from you. The read was excellent sure it needs some work, but if you were to expand upon this story and publish it, I would buy it in a heart beat.

[TheRexion]

After I finish The Chronicle's first book I might just end up doing that. Wish me luck, hahah!