The beggining of my ingame story.

[jdf318]

Hey all, I plan to have these in game stories, in which the players need to collect chapter by chapter, page by page, so they can gain the full story, plus a little bonus if the completed book is equipped (It would be a shield) So, I want to know what you all think about this beginning any criticism, hopefully constructive, will be appreciated.
Now version 2

_Moonfire_
Chapter 1

Raelin Silverstar Gazed in wonder upon his hands. For these were the hands which had destroyed so much, in such a small amount of time. It had been but minutes since he had unleashed one of the druid’s greatest powers, sending down a bolt of moon energy to devastate the orc encampment. He had single handedly wiped all life from the area, leaving nothing but a large blackened crater in the spot that had once held brutish orcs, who had enslaved the defenseless Moon Elves within their grasps. He remembers stories of great druids casting Moonfire, destroying entire cities under their power in the light of a full moon. He also remembers experimenting with the spell himself not a year ago, but never while the moon was full. His old results weren’t nearly as deadly.

This brings back painful memories of his childhood. He remembers listening to the stories of old about great heroes, defending the weak. All the times with his friends, gazing at the moon brought a smile to his face. However, things wouldn’t last for him. At the age of nine, he was declared to hold the gift, and was destined to become a druid. Life for him took a turn for the worse, as he soon found out he was to spend the rest of his life studying, and he had to leave his friends. Only ten villagers of his town were marked to be a druid, and of that, only one will become a druid of the moon. Then, the druid of the moon will spend his days practicing the ways of the moon. The rest would become farmers, using there power to grow food. As such, he spent long hours practicing under the watch of the stars, while his friends became craftsmen. Though he yearned to be with his friends, his lust to be a druid of the moon was his top priority. Many long years he had trained, becoming the best he could be. He had learned many spells within that time, and he was ready to test them. For that day had been the festival of the moon. This was when the moon shed its greatest powers, increasing the power of moon elves tenfold. Because of this power, druids to be were to be kept away from the light of the moon, for there safety and others safety. A young druid with that  much power could cause pure chaos for all.

Even that day, the druids had to test their power during the day. The way the druid of the moon was chosen was simple; they were to be given tasks, which required both power and wisdom to solve. The one who possessed the most of these attributes would be given the title of druid of the moon, and the rest would be rushed off for training about farming.

However, though the sky had shown brightly, and the moon just hours away from giving them there blessing, out from the woods a group of savage orcs attacked. The unaware villagers were quickly slaughtered, having little means to defend themselves. Eight of the druids had held ground, but one other and himself had fled, trying to make it into the forest. Raelin then remembers the screaming of the eight druids, the orcs battle cries, the body they had tripped on, and a whack on the back of the head, sending him into sub consciousness. He remembers waking up, bound to a tree, along with about ten other elves. Looking around, he saw that the orcs that had captured him had cleared a small area of trees, and set up a crude encampment. He then saw the orcs, devouring some of the slain moon elves. This desecration sickened the Raelin, and, almost screaming with rage, he had called aid from the forest. There, from the shadows of the forest, his call was heard, and a group of enraged, feral wolves erupted from the forest. Then, with an enraged look in there eye, the wolves began to tear at the confused brutes, giving him enough time to run back into the forest, to a nearby hill. There, reacting only on instinct, he had cast a Moonfire spell.

A great beam of light headed towards the camp, which stretched up straight to the full moon. Suddenly, the beam connected with the ground, and a white blast erupted from the spot. Pieces of rock, trees, and what Raelin suspected as orc limbs went flying in all directions. Upon further investigation of the spot, the elf found that all life had been destroyed, and all of the Elves, though their bodies remain intact, their souls had already left this world. Among the wreckage, he found but one item; a small, weak soul gem, which had been in scripted with the word ‘animal’ on it. He knew it must have belonged to the other druid they had captured, and as such he clenched it in his arms, and said an vow in the Elfish language, Tu ne sadi lon contra de ador, in which he swore revenge for the fallen elves.

His heart filled heavily for the fellow Elves he had slain with the spell, but deep inside, he knew it was necessary. But he could never let an Orc walk freely, after such damage they have done to his life. Orcs are little more then beasts, and as he though this, his mind brought up a picture of an orc. He could clearly remember the horrid stench it had about it, the rows of jagged, sharp teeth within the monsters mouth, which he had last seen it in an evil grin, eating a leg of his brethren. “I mean” Raelin said, attempting to convince himself that his actions were just. “Orcs deserve to die, even if it means sacrificing an Elf.”

Suddenly, it hit him. Orcs are in Sonrye! From his knowledge, it was almost unheard of to have orcs even close to the forest. The forest is protected by the wood elves to the east, in which they had cast many magical barriers around the forest. As long as they held any sort of respect for the forest, they would never willingly let orcs into the forest. In fact, Orcs haven’t been seen in the forest for many years. He shakily sat down to comprehend what this meant, and meditated.

In a few hours, his choice of path was clear. He knew he had to be the one to tell the grand council. His mind showed images of him reporting the attack, of the orcs within the forests borders, the rewards they would give him, the fame he would gain. And so the young Elf took one last look at the charred area in which once held orcs, and headed off toward his village to alert any survivors there and to gain the needed provisions for the journey, fore the land was treacherous, and it would take many weeks to arrive at the capital, Sylventis.

Edited for title and to increase paragraph indents. Oh, and I KNOW i made more grammer mistakes, any help on them will be appreciated.

[Techno 5.0]

sounds cool
its what im doing with my game lol
it gives the players a goal u kno

[jdf318]

@Ninja-Tech:

> sounds cool
> its what im doing with my game lol
> it gives the players a goal u kno

Yea, my goal is to make the mini novels as good as they can, keeping the player engrossed into the story, but im gonna keep the last chapter of each one i make and have it as a drop of my best bosses. :P

[Techno 5.0]

@jdf318:

> Yea, my goal is to make the mini novels as good as they can, keeping the player engrossed into the story, but im gonna keep the last chapter of each one i make and have it as a drop of my best bosses. :P

have them also as a reward for getting through puzzles

[jdf318]

@Ninja-Tech:

> have them also as a reward for getting through puzzles

Yea good idea! Oh, and any feedback on the story itself? im gooing to make this as good as possible, so any constructive critism would really help!

[Techno 5.0]

maybe you can add journls
this is an example
i would write out several journal entries from a characters perspective
and the make that a quest to find them and to do w/e else
it wont be recodnized as a quest but the opportunity is allways up u kno.

[jdf318]

Eh, I have that planned for a couple, but for this one, It would be written like say, Eragon, or lord of the rings. But thanks for the input, and now maybe some on how i can improve this chapter please? :) oh yea, and ive decided this lil novel shall be named _Moonfire_ and that this one will giv access to the moon fire spell :P

[Anna Comnena]

I liked the story, it has a good narrative and good pacing. I like how it started at the present event, then went back briefly to give background to the character and situation.

The only thing I think that needs to be fixed is your usage of there/their/they're.

Also, I like your general plan. I plan to do similar things, I've always liked Elder Scrolls games for having books and stories in-game, to give you a sense that the world is more than just your player and the NPCs you deal with.

[Falnax]

Decided I'd do a criticism on this in the way that you do criticisms on other people…let's see how this goes. Also, I did some slight grammar editing, particularly relating to Anna's last comment.

_Moonfire_
Chapter 1
    Raelin Silverstar Gazed in wonder upon his hands. For these were the hands which had destroyed so much, in such a small amount of time. It had been but minutes since he had unleashed one of the druids' greatest powers, sending down a bolt of moon energy to devastate the orc encampment. He had single-handedly wiped all life from the area, leaving nothing but a large blackened crater in the spot that had once held brutish orcs, enslaving the defenseless Moon Elves within their grasps. Ambiguous ordering - until you finish the entire sentence, it is easy to mistake Raelin for the enslaver. Using a past tense, such as "who had enslaved," would help resolve the amiguity. He remembers stories of great druids casting Moonfire, destroying entire cities under their power under a full moon. The double "under" is awkward, because the two uses have different meanings. The first could be changed to "with," the second to "in the light of," the point is, there's more words out there. He also remembers experimenting with the spell himself not a year ago, but never while the moon was full, his old results weren’t nearly as deadly. Separating that into a new sentence would greatly increase tension.
    This brings back painful memories of his childhood, listening to the stories of old, gazing at the moon with his friends, finding out he is to spend the rest of his life studying, being separated from his friends to learn the ways of the druid, all the long hours practicing under the watch of the stars, strict punishments for even being out during the festival of the moon, which happened once a year, when the moon was closest. There's way too much development here for one sentence. His entire childhood is compressed into a few lines; which is perfectly fine, but would be a great thread to develop if you need length later on. The explanation of the Festival of the Moon should not be in the same sentence, though, because it makes the sentence look very unfocused and wishy-washy. In fact, if this was but a normal day, he would have been celebrating the moon festival, and there he would have taken his final test to become a druid.
    However, these weren’t normal days, and instead of a rousing day of drinking MeldewIs this explored elsewhere in the setting? If not, it looks weird., listening to talented musicians, and awaiting his final task,This shift comes completely out of nowhere, considering that it goes from hypothetical to what must be the real scenario. Make sure to end the sentence on what could be happening, before you start explaining what is. the small town was ambushed, with a group of orcs killing everyone in sight. He had been lucky, and only knocked unconscious, where he had then been taken prisoner, instead of the nine other druids-to-be, who were all slain, save one besides himself.The hyphens on "druids-to-be" are an optional convention, but enhance clarity. This situation, though, is a little confusing - if the other nine, or apparently eight of the other nine, were killed at once, why is he so lucky? A little detail would easily clear up this miracle. There, the orcs had dragged them off into a small area, cleared of trees, in which a small encampment had been set up. Their hands were then bound together, and they were lain on the ground, as the filthy orcs ate a slain Elf. Who is 'they' in this scenario? Is it Raelin and some other Elves, the nine druids-to-be, someone else? This desecration sickened the elfWhich one?, and, almost screaming with rage, he had summoned a nearby pack of wolves to attack the sickening orcs. There, from the shadows of the forest, a call was heard, and a group of enraged, feral wolves erupted from the forest. There's a lot of redundant sentence structuring here (Starting with "There," and "Then,"). Also, this sentence would appear to describe what was already said; probably, the description of his summoning should avoid mentioning wolves specifically, to reduce the idea that "We've heard it before." Then, with an enraged look in their eyes, the wolves began to tear at the confused brutes, giving him enough time to run back into the forest, to a nearby hill. There, reacting only on instinct, he had casted his greatest weapon in a full moon; a Moonfire spell This is, for many reasons, a bizarre sentence. Not only does it include "casted," which is not a legal verb conjugation, it also uses the phrase "in a full moon." Probably, the intended meaning was that, during the full moon, it is his greatest spell, but the grammar, as written, states that it took the duration of the full moon to cast the spell. Moon is also a part of the spell name, so it looks like you're seriously name-dropping the moon, as though you're paid to say it, or something. Use "cast" instead of "casted," don't worry about the whole "in a full moon" part, people will understand that part to be occurring either way, and use a colon, not a semicolon.
    A great beam of light headed towards the camp, which stretched up straight to the **moon**. This is where you could easily reintroduce the descriptor "full" without it looking odd. Suddenly, the beam connected with the ground, and a white blast erupted from the spot. Pieces of rock, trees, and what Raelin suspected as orc limbs went flying in all directions. Upon further investigation of the spot, the elf found that all life had been destroyed, and all of the Elves, though their bodies remain intact, have had their souls leave this world. "Have had" is in a terrible spot here, because it makes the actor the bodies, taking the poetry out of an otherwise appealing descriptor. Move the verb over so that the souls are the ones doing something, i.e. "their souls having already left this world.   Among the wreckage, he found but one item; a small, weak soul gem, which had the symbol of the old elfish word for ‘Animal’ on it. He knew it must have belonged to the other druid they had captured, and as such he clenched it in his arms, and said an vow in the Elfish language, swearing revenge for the fallen Elves. What is a soul gem? Also, this paragraph twice makes reference to the Elfish language, attempting to make use of it as a tool for diversity, without having to establish an actual language. If the gem's inscription really does have Elfish on it, we need to know how it reads in Elfish, not just to be told that it can be.
      His heart filled heavily for the fellow Elves he had slain with the spell, but deep inside, he knew it was necessary.This sort of inner conflict resolution often falls very flat in critical appraisals; it looks good in paper, but if you imagine how you're actually characterizing your star, you'll realize you have created a psychopath. The character of Eragon, for example, is often considered to be distressingly soulless, as a result of passages like that. Be a good writer and give him some good inner torment later on, rather than just a few seconds of "heart filling."  But he could never let an Orc walk freely, after such damage they have done to his life. His mind brought up a picture of an orc. He could clearly remember the horrid stench it had about it, the rows of jagged, sharp teeth within the monsters mouth, which he had last seen it in an evil grin, eating a leg of his brethrenStrong imagery, but the shift is very sudden, and almost contrived. Should probably have a clearer boundary between reality, and Raelin's mind “I mean” Raelin said, attempting to convince himself that his actions were just. “Orcs deserve to die, even if it means sacrificing an Elf.”This argument is just hard to understand. Orcs killed Elves, so he's now committed to killing Orcs to solve that debt to him, even if it means killing more Elves? I mean, with that logic, he might as well kill himself. Motive needs to be a lot clearer, and less hypocritical; unless, of course, another character later on will exploit this key shortcoming. Suddenly, it hit him. Orcs are in Sonrye! From his knowledge, it was almost unheard of to have orcs even close to the forest. The forest is protected by the wood elves to the east, in which they had cast many magical barriers around the forest. As long as they held any sort of respect for the forest, they would never willingly let orcs into the forest. In fact, Orcs haven’t been seen in the forest for many years. If this was the case, his immediate understanding of the Orc situation seems a little odd - if you're in an emotionally crippling situation, like he was, and the answer is something that doesn't normally make sense, that really shouldn't be your first conclusion. Might want to put in a bit more surprise on his part, if that's the case.
    He knew he had to be the one to tell the grand council. His mind showed images of him reporting the attack, of the orcs within the forests borders, the rewards they would give him, the fame he would gain. And so the young Elf took one last look at the charred area in which once held orcs, and headed off toward his village to alert any survivors there and to gain the needed provisions for the journey, fore the land was treacherous, and it would take many weeks to arrive at the capital, Sylventis. Nothing much to say on this part. It's a pretty normal setup for a quest story; nothing too original, but completely adequate for the story to come.

So, I mostly just had grammatical things to say, but I suppose there were a number of those. Overall, I'd say it's better than most stories written by people on this forum, but I'd like to see a little more clarity in how you reference characters, since we don't all have the benefit of your unique insight into the story, and some deeper psychological ramifications, to prove your characters have souls. My wish list for the next few chapters consists largely of ideas that are outside the LotR-Eragon range, but I'll compromise for the other things, first.

[jdf318]

First off, I would like to say thank you, for not only reading the entire chapter, but actually to critisize it all. And you even used blue (I still prefer red, but I guess it mightbe a bit scary, for your storyline to be covered in red.). I plan on revising this chapter, and fixing these weak points. I shall post it later on, and I might add the next chapter too, either as combined with chapter one (As I have been thinking about for a while) or as chapter two. I agree with most of your criticism (In case you havent noticed, I really have bad grammer and spelling) And I thank you for the grammer fixes.

However, one thing I would like to say, is that moon elves are in human, and as such, there logic is supposed to be different from human logic. Because this is an ingame thing, most players would already know what a soul gem is, along with meldew. It would be like, if i was writing a story, and I described what a battery is (if i had mentioned batteries in my story).