Gwen Posted March 5, 2009 Author Share Posted March 5, 2009 Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release):–--------------------------------------------------------The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.----------------------------------------------------------The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight 'Searching for Jesus.'------------------- ------ --------------------------------Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.-------------------------------------- --------------------Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.Bring your husbands.----------------------------------------------------------The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.----------------------------------------------------------Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.Smile at someone who is hard to love.Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.---------------------------------------------------------Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.---------------------------------------------------------Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.----------------------------------------------------------For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.--------------------------- -------------------------------Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.---------------------------------------------------------The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'---------------------------------------------------------Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.So ends a friendship that began in their school days.---------------------------------------------------------At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'Come early and listen to our choir practice.---------------------------------------------------------Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.---------------------------------------------------------Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.Proceeds will be used to cripple children.---------------------------------------------------------Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.---------------------------------------------------------The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.-------------------------------------------------Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow..------------------------------------------------ ---------The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.----------------------------------- ------ -----------------This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.---------------------------------------------------------Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.----------------------------------------------------------The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him theirelectric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.--------------------------------------------Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.Please use the back door.---------------------------------------------------------The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.----------------------------------------------------------Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.Please use the large double door at the side entrance.----------------------- -----------------------------------The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anna Comnena Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Ahaha those are great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Khachaturian Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 Wow thats a ton of them..Lol proceeds will be used to cripple children Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fruitpunch Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 lmao I want that on our church bulletin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nubbs Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 The church sign in my town said this : "You might've saved at Wal-Mart but Jesus paid the full price ."haha at first i thought it meant wal-mart was against jesus then i realized that it meant he paid the full price as in (with his life) aka dying for your sins…another way to think about it is that jesus died so you could save at wal-mart lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen Posted March 6, 2009 Author Share Posted March 6, 2009 there is a church on my way to work that always has funny sayings… i'll have to try to remember them next time i see them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Khachaturian Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 @ Nubbs : thats pretty funny :pMy church never has funny sayings Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reguba Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.Please use the back door.That just made my day HA!Ironically I just reread a book called "Eats, shites and leaves." (It's a parody of 'Eats shoots and leaves') it had a few of those quotes in there. God that stuff is funny.Just a random quote from the book: "I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know." - Groucho Marx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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