[WIP] Writing Project - Story: The Crescent War - Prelude

[LoneSyndal]

Author's Note: This is the ORIGINAL STORY that all others from Project Leingod are based on. Because of that reason alone, I will not be making this particular story public. I will however, include the Prelude without any edits as I feel it was a masterpiece on its own.

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~~**Prelude**

He reached his hand for the setting sun, but they wouldn’t move. He wasted away his last moments watching the scenery. His body no longer moved the way he wanted to. The excruciating pain he once felt was lost, but he was not unsatisfied. For the first time in many long years, he had truly smiled. What he had achieved, everything he had done, he knew that what he did had truly brought change to the world filled with madness and rage.

Tears trickled slowly down his face. He knew that he was born for this exact reason, this exact purpose. His life had been paved by someone else other than him, but he thought it was for the better. Had he continued back then, he would still be wandering aimlessly with no goals, no purpose, and no reason for his existence.

The man could hear footsteps, each step bringing the stranger closer to him. He could see the stranger's familiar face after turning his head slightly.

“I wouldn’t let an old friend go alone. I’ll accompany you until then,” the stranger’s voice was rough, yet soothing to the man’s soul. There were many things he wished to ask this stranger, but he couldn’t speak. His body no longer had the ability to do so.

“You were going to ask, and I shall answer,” the stranger looked at the direction of the setting sun, “I never once doubted your existence, nor have I ever looked down upon it. You were made to bring change to this cycle of hatred. Through your actions… you changed fate, shattered reason, and ultimately made a difference in the world. For that, I’ll be your friend until the end.”

The tears of sadness became tears of happiness. Being told that he was useful was all he ever wanted. His memories of the past no longer haunted him. Each memory began to fade into the abyss of his mind. Even with the sun setting, he could see a light shining before him.

“Though the world may not remember, I will… old friend.”

His eyes finally shut from fatigue. A calm expression spread on his face. And there, he made his last smile.~~

[Drummerpete]

So, a guy with an inferiority complex is told he's useful, cries and then dies?

This really seems like more of an ending than a prelude, especially because of the stranger's speech.

It wasn't a bad piece of writing though.

[Medleyy]

Cliché and dull. I get that you were trying to keep it mysterious, but there's too little information in the writing which doesn't make me want to keep reading. If you'd mentioned some interesting places, characters or similar, then I would have read on to know more about them. As it is I can't muster the interest to read the last sentence. I was honestly forcing myself to read it and that's not conducive to enjoyable prose.

[LoneSyndal]

@Aeri:

> Cliché and dull. I get that you were trying to keep it mysterious, but there's too little information in the writing which doesn't make me want to keep reading. If you'd mentioned some interesting places, characters or similar, then I would have read on to know more about them. As it is I can't muster the interest to read the last sentence. I was honestly forcing myself to read it and that's not conducive to enjoyable prose.

And this is precisely why I enjoy posts like yours. I personally don't like naming places in the preludes for some odd reason, mostly because each Prelude is always set at a time that's far from the Chapters. I should be changing that soon however. A bit on the way I write - I continue to write something straight from the heart and stop where I feels it should stop. The rest goes through a bunch of checks without altering what I had going for it. I think I can try to do a bit of a huge overhaul on this one and still try to get what I wanted for it, by then I hope you can review it once more. Thanks for your response!

Keep the critical reception coming, I enjoy reading them. ;P

[Drummerpete]

Preludes should set up the scene in some way.

Key locations, characters, themes… One or more of these should be set up in some detail in the early stages of writing, other wise the reader will get bored.

Aeri pointed this out.

You've given us two characters that we, quite honestly, couldn't care less about. Obviously they've affected each other, but how? What happened?
That would be a more interesting story than:

Two dudes. One's dead. He did something good.

[LoneSyndal]

Here's a quick rough draft of a remake. Once again, I need opinions.

Edit: Once I deem something as no longer worthy, I completely axe it and remake it from ground up. Don't take this the wrong way or anything. But I write things in one go. If it doesn't work, then its good as dead.

Note: The reason why this piece feels like an end is because it ends the story of another character in the series (The main guy from The Old Kingdom; the unnamed traveler). The rest of the story features a different protagonist.

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**Prelude

  Lingering thoughts continued to flow into his mind as he lay to waste at his last stage, the Industrial Kingdom of Raon. The war had finally come to a halt, but at a great price. This turmoil that lasted for seven years had left a gap in the hearts of even the most powerful nations. The wreckage of steel, corpse and the ruins of the metallic city that littered the peaceful scenery before him were proof of such turmoil. There were banners of every major nation that took part in this fight against Raon, the last bastion for the rebel alliance.

And then it came to him. He remembered his original goal and thought that he had completed it to his utmost ability. Everything that he had done was for this very moment – to prevent Mankind’s extinction.
A long time ago, he met God. This encounter revealed Truth and at the same time, a dreadful realization. He began to form questions that tried to explain the significance of his existence, but was unable to ask them. These lingering thoughts continued to etch further into his mind as he continued to lay there with tears rolling down his face.

“Galden?” It was a familiar tone and voice. He remembered the presence of this transcendent being. After all, it was his first friend.

“The time has come, are you ready? It will only be for a brief moment.”

The soldier’s mouth couldn’t utter a word and his body was unable to shake in reply. He knew that his time had come, but the tears stopped flowing.

“I take it you’re satisfied with what you’ve left behind? Everyone here will forever remember you as the hero that ended the war and the strongest champion to have fought. Even if you were a mere fabrication of existence before, it doesn’t mean you cannot make use of it and become something greater. I picked you because you had the potential to change both yourself and the fate of others that was once set in stone.”

The thoughts that once weighed down the soldier had lifted. His eyes wavered and shut from the fatigue. The tale of the man known as Galden had finally come to an end as he made his last smile under the setting sun.**