Afterlife - MMORPG - Storyline

[Sowtis]

This is a storyline, its still a work in progress. I'm not the best at this, so any criticism is welcome, as this is what this topic is for. I need to polish this up, and make it better. So if you have any ideas, please just let me know!

By the way, my game name is now Afterlife, not Crisis.

**~ Storyline ~**

In the ages of darkness, when the Great Monarch Lexima had the whole land of Seydin open to him, he was everywhere across the world. He tried to unleash the Mythic Power, but it was hidden deep inside the temple of the Mythic Legion. The light was meant to protect the vast lands, but if it fell into the wrong hands, destruction would occur. To protect the Mythic Power was the Mythic Legion's only objective. For centuries it was kept safe and secure, untill one day Lexima almost had possession of this great power, fortunately the Mythic Legion was powerful enough to vanquish him. Lexima's dark power was so strong only his physical form was destroyed, and his spirit was carried on into an afterlife. He was trapped for years and the land was safe, but Lexima had found a way to try to get the Mythic Power… through his minions... He was able to summon minions, but only in the unholy sanctuary. He used his minions to get this power so his spirit could take control of it and he could walk the lands once again, and rule the world forever.

If there is any problems or flaws just please post, I want to make it a good storyline :)

[Thorn]

So it looks to me like this puts you in the following state for your game:

-A group of holy defenders tasked with guarding some sacred relic
-A malevolent force, bodiless but not without power, bent on taking said relic for himself.

I think I get the basic idea. It's a stable concept, not terribly original but not one of the worse ones I've seen. Couple recommendations though:
First up, hit return a few times. Kind of a block of text right now.
Second, you've got too much that you're trying to describe in too short a space. Makes it cluttered.

One thing to do would be to go through, look at the bare-bones of the groups you're describing. Solid archetypes, but as I said before not too original. The next thing to do is figure out how to put a spin on it to make in interesting and unique.

[Anna Comnena]

Ok sorry I keep wanting to write about it but it's hard to read. Every sentence I'm like "what?" and have a question to ask. This isn't bad in itself if you can answer the reader as they read further. But with your story, the next sentence just adds another "what?"

I'll just copy the story here:

_In the ages of darkness, when the Great Monarch Lexima had the whole land of Seydin open to him, he was everywhere across the world._ **(Ok, sounds like a god-emperor type figure, thats cool)** _He tried to unleash the Mythic Power, but it was hidden deep inside the temple of the Mythic Legion._ **(Wait. What's this "mythic power", and what's the temple and "mythic legion"?)** _The light_ **(WHAT LIGHT?)** _was meant to protect the vast lands,_ **(you mean the lands of our glorious leader Lexima?)** _but if it fell into the wrong hands, destruction would occur._ **(And whose hands would be the wrong ones?)** _To protect the Mythic Power was the Mythic Legion's only objective._**(ok sacred order of guardians always work)** _For centuries it was kept safe and secure, untill one day Lexima almost had possession of this great power,_ **(shouldn't he since he's a god and ruler of the lands?)** _fortunately the Mythic Legion was powerful enough to vanquish him._ **(WHY WOULD THE KILL GLORIOUS LEADER?) … blah blah blah I think my point is there is nothing that suggests Lexima should be an antagonist until he "is vanquished".**

I mean every aspect of the story does work, even though it's all really generic – which is ok, since basic archetypes can make good stories, it's all in the characters and interaction. But how you have things laid out, there is no flow or meaning to the story, it's all loosely related bland statements. I've noticed this in a lot of storylines here, there seems to be too many details and information spread about randomly. Try to stick more with the general themes and events and fill the details in as you go; or try to foreshadow events and feelings more.

Something like this:

Over the lands of Seydin, the Great Monach Lexima has spread his dominion over all of the free peoples. To ensure his power, he visited an ancient Temple which is rumored to hold some Mythic Power, believing it is his by right of Dominion. However, as he approached, the guardians and caretakers of the Temple, the Mystic Legion, denied him access and refused to recognize Lexima's lordship over them. Appalled and slighted by this, Lexima returned to his capital and called on any powers he knew to help fuel his own desire and need for the Power. As his power and corruption grew, the Mystic Legion's influence and power began to wane, until Lexima in his pride decided now was the time he would avenge the insult upon him! His full power assaulted the Temple with unrestrained fury, striking down many of Mystic Legion, until the remaining survivors of the Legion gathered together and struck him down on the Temple stairs.

Lexima was defeated, but his will and envy for the Power remained. Over time his corruption lingered at the Temple until it even got through to the weakened and forgotten Legion left behind. Once the seed of corruption got hold it would not be denied its revenge on the Mystic Legion. The Guardians of the Temple faltered and the corruption of Lexima finally reached the Power, using it to restore himself to the world he once ruled. And will once again hold dominion over...

[Koovo]

May want to change the name of "Seydin" to something else as it is already taken.

http://seyerdin.com/

As for the constructive criticism, for the most part, I agree.

[Sowtis]

Alright, thanks for the input guys.